Abrosexual Identity
Ramona Duoba of Women’s Health interviews myself and Dr. Joe Kort about What It Means To Be Abrosexual.
Check out an excerpt from her piece below:
As you go through life, your understanding of your sexuality can change and evolve over time. Perhaps during your adolescence, you were only attracted to females, and then as a young adult in your twenties, you began to explore an attraction to men. Then, to your surprise, the sensual desire pendulum swung back again. You may be confused, but there’s nothing wrong with you. You just might be abrosexual.
If you're not familiar with the sexual identity, you're not alone—it's often confused with being bisexual, pansexual, sexually fluid, and asexual. But "abrosexual is a fluctuating sexuality," says Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, CST, a couples and family therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and co-founder of Mile High Psychotherapy in Denver, Colorado. "It fluctuates significantly over time, both in who you might be attracted to in terms of gender, and also how much you're interested in sexual activity with or without a partner."
Because being abrosexual is a nuanced and even nebulous sexual identity, "it often goes unrecognized in many people's lives," she adds.
There is no timeframe of how and when someone who identifies as abrosexual might shift to expressing their sexual orientation in a way that aligns with another identity and, to some, it may seem like they’re just bouncing along the sexuality spectrum, but Stray Conger assures they’re not. "It can also be normal to have a fluctuating sexual identity and to feel who your attractions are to change over time," she says.
What does it mean to be abrosexual, exactly?
An abrosexual individual can have different levels of sexual or romantic attraction, and they may also change their publicly-declared sexual orientation. While there can be confusion around it, Stray Conger says, "It's more of a term that helps people understand themselves when they're experiencing fluctuations and they're confused as to why." Often, someone may realize they're abrosexual because they feel as if there's nothing else to explain their shifting desires, she adds.
It's important to note that abrosexuality is not about confusion or trying to make up your mind; it’s a specific sexual orientation and should be treated as such. "Abrosexual is new, and so people don't think in that context, but once you have a label for it, then you can contextualize yourself within that lens," explains Stray Conger.
How can you tell if you are abrosexual?
If your own sense of yourself changes or you don’t feel a firm commitment to a specific sexual orientation, these could be signs of abrosexuality. But, ultimately, claiming any sexual identity is up to you. "I would let someone self-identify as that," Stray Conger says.
A bisexual person, for example, is attracted to both men and women and does not typically fluctuate in their sexual identity. Meaning, once they identify as bi, they may go through periods of time where they date more people who identify as one gender than the other, but they maintain their sexual attraction to both.
"That might look different for different people, in terms of whether or not they feel the same level of romantic attraction and/or sexual attraction to different genders," notes Stray Conger. "But that doesn't really change from the time you start being a sexual person, that's pretty static in terms of what your proclivities are."
Whereas with abrosexuality, she explains, "It changes pretty significantly. It’s really about a relational issue; it’s about an intrinsic feeling in your body of what awakens attraction within you."
If someone you know tells you they are abrosexual, it’s important to let them know that "fluctuations are normal," says Stray Conger. "Encourage them to be self-knowledgeable about where their fluctuations are at and to communicate their fluctuations, so that they're not feeling shameful." Ultimately, you want to provide a safe space so they feel like they don't have to hide who they are—what everyone deserves.