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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Psycho Potpourri! Excerpts and Other Stuff, Needlessly Meta, Toys, Small Round Yoda, I Didn't Have Time To Rehearse This, Drivin' For Lyft, Everything's A Song! (Super Rad! Version!), She's Kara Zor-El, and 29 more.
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I Didn't Have Time To Rehearse This
An original song about Luke never being prepared for his live shows
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© Luke Sienkowski 2019
Luke: Mic check-a, one two...
Verse 1:
The audio is working. Cool, good.
Hopefully the video is playing like it should.
That's my band. Is there a music stand?
Uh, the lyrics?... they're here in my hand.
Printed at a Kinko's, or possibly at home,
Unless I got my tablet, or I'm reading off my phone.
...Is the microphone working right?
Adjust the mic stand to my 5'7" height.
Did I put bottled water on the stage?
Oh good. Man, I'm really showing my age.
All frantic, let me catch my breath, okay?
*inhale-hmm*, *exhale-ahh*, ...Heyyyyy
MarsCon! Or is it FuMPFeST?
Or some other gig? Look, I'm trying my best.
But when it's show time, before I sing,
I always end up saying the same old thing:
Chorus 1:
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!"
I had too much to do! Before this show is through,
You're gonna wish I stopped at "Mic check-a, one two"!
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!"
Every time it's the same, and I feel so lame,
From my blonde hair to my Con-verse-es!
Kyle: Converses? Are you talking to someone in this song?
Luke: No, no, my tennis shoes, see?
Kyle: It's pronounced "CON-verse".
Luke: It is? Is that a regional dialect?
Kyle: It, it is not.
Verse 2:
Long ago, I had to drive for miles
Just to sing geeky things for nerdy smiles
And laughs. And man, those shows were a breeze
In the days when people actually still bought CDs.
Hour after hour, driving through the grind,
I'd repeat all the lyrics 'til they fused with my mind.
So during "What's Up Spock?", while I'm pumpin' my fist,
I'm in my head, writing out my shopping list.
But these days, it's just not the same.
I don't think Southwest would let me sit on their plane
And shout [me as Gollum:] "You better rule them all for THE PRECIOUS!!!
Aaaaahhhh!…" [SFX: Gollum/me being thrown off the plane] They'd toss me out over Texas.
"Practice, Practice, Practice!" I can't practice at all!
So I guess I'll never get a show at Carnegie Hall.
And I really wanna feel this act of mine is legit.
But they say write what you know, and, um,... this is it.
Chorus 2:
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
I hope you'll smile, and aren't stone like tile,
Just tolerating this, waiting for TV's Kyle.
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
I'm cheesier than feta, and this song is too meta,
And the rhymes I make are getting worse-es. - "WORSE-ES!"
Luke: Accordion solo!
Kyle: ...I- ep- I'm sorry, what?
Luke: Accordion solo! C'mon!
Kyle: At NO point did you mention an accordion solo.
Luke: Well, just, just grab it, go! Go!
Kyle: I, zizz, ut, ut, okay...
[Kyle plays something on the accordion, not well because he wasn't prepared]
Luke: Yeah! Yeah! That's close enough for jazz!
[Kyle still playing]
Kyle: Okay, you should have TOLD me you wanted an accordian so-
Luke: (interrupting) Awesome, that's perfect! Time for me to rap again.
Kyle: Fuss.
[final accordion chord]
Verse 3:
Continuing my lyrical abuses,
Allow me to give you all my list of excuses
To why I didn't have the time to properly prepare,
And subject you to this syncopated half-assed nightmare.
I had a deadline at my storyboarding gig,
'Bout this funny cartoon lady with a sword shaped like a pig.
I was ride-share-driving for a really long trip,
Anaheim to Calabasas, and they didn't even tip!
My cat curled up and fell asleep on my lap.
I couldn't leave?! That might wake him from his nap!
I read the Wikipedia on Bronson Pinchot.
Why? (Kyle: Yeah, why?) How the Hell should I know?
I threw a birthday party for my nephew Alex!
I flew to Gallifrey and I fought the Daleks!
I had to plan this whole event, which took me really long,
So who has time to memorize this stupid frickin' song?!
Chorus 3:
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
You're all agog this made my catalog.
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog!
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
I'm sorry fans, I just have too many plans,
And *I'm* surprised that I wrote three verses! "VERSES!"
Chorus 4:
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
Please don't give me flack, and say I'm a hack,
It's at least a half-way decent album filler track!
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
And given my schedule it's kinda amazing
That this song even happened at all, really...
Kyle: ...rehearse this...
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3. |
D.P.I. #7
00:54
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Ice King Baby
03:09
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Yo, Finn & Jake. Let’s kick it.
Finn & Jake:
Ice King, baby!
Ice King, baby!
All right stop. - Refrigerate and listen.
Ice King’s back on my usual mission
Still young - in my late thousand-eighties,
Fly through the kingdom, scooping up ladies.
[Finn & Jake: Will you ever stop?] Sure, when I’m wed
to a princess! (heh heh) Or, I’m dead.
Don’t count on that, ‘cuz when you battle this wizard,
I’ll wave my hands, and then kablam, there’s a blizzard!
Dance! - At my party for penguins,
all busting moves, they’re my finely-dressed minions.
Studly! - I work out so that I can be
in the best shape for my future bride-to-be.
Tell me ‘let it go’, and I’ll laugh and say
that the cold never bothered me anyway.
If you are a princess, I’ll kidnap you,
then pass the mic, so that you can rap too!
Finn & Jake:
Ice King, baby! - We chill with
Ice King, baby! - Get ill with
Now that I’ve shown I’m a fresh stud,
Introduce Finn and Jake, they’re my total best buds!
Finn’s on the point doing beat-box, and Jake’s [Finn: *beat-boxing*]
in the kitchen [Jake: MAKIN’ BACON PANCAKES!] [Finn: *beat-boxing*]
Yummy yum! - Just a dash of cumin!
Rumor says Finn’s the world’s last human.
Has an ear-hat, - and a sword collection.
And Jake the Dog? Just watch him go stretchin’
Shapeshift! - You’ll see Jake prevail
at mountain size, or as small as a snail.
Sometimes we disagree, every day or three,
[Finn & Jake: Do we fight?] Yes, and you beat me
usually. - I ain’t afraid of fighting.
My beard will fly, then I’ll throw some ice lightning.
But Finn’s a hero - I’m who he’s pityin’
He’s got a - [Finn & Jake: ENCHIRIDION!]
They got glory, treasure, gold coins.
All I get is a kick in the boing-loings.
Jealous! - ‘Cuz while I’m just a bum,
Finn and Jake hang with Princess Bubblegum.
Candy - is your royal host.
The citizens are sweet ‘cuz they’re made of dextrose.
Gumballs - keep watch on the town,
but they’re no match for my magic crown!
Frozen! - Nab P.B. in her jam-jams.
Finn shows up, - punches me in the hams.
“Homies help homies, always” they say.
But they just foil my plans, then I sneak away.
No one comprehends when I make amends.
They leave me out, so I’ll make up my own friends.
I’ll write a fanfic and gender-swap it.
Slap it on a shirt to sell at Hot Topic!
Fionna:
Ice King, baby! - (*gasp!*) Fionna!
Ice King, baby! - Cake: Sweet babies! (and Cake!) Fionna!
Take heed - ‘cuz here comes Marceline.
The Land Of Ooo’s own Vampire Queen.
Sweet axe! - Just beware of her grapples.
She’ll eat the red off of Tree Trunk’s apples.
And Lemongrab always acts ill.
[Lemongrab: This is UNACCEPTABLEEEEE!!!]
Lumpy Space Princess said [LSP: I wanna date you!]
I said ‘no thanks’, - and then she told me to
[LSP: Lump off!] - Flame Princess was fun.
Conquered her father with Cinnamon Bun.
So hot, - other heroes say “Glob!”
If snowbeast touched her, it would melt into a blob.
BMO’s rockin on the two turntables,
Magic Man tells Lady Rainicorn some Graybles.
You might think this track sounds all archaic,
We think the tune is quite [Ice King & Finn: ALGEBRAIC!]
Jake: Ice King, baby!
Finn & Jake: - We chill with
Ice King, baby! - Get ill with
Finn: (whispering) Simon!
Yo buds, let’s get out of here. Word to your Gunthar.
Finn & Jake:
Ice King, baby!
Finn: Too cold!
Jake: Like, literally too cold.
Finn: Totes, and the beginning of the second verse was total bunk, man.
Ice King: Hey! Keep your comments off my biz!
Jake: Oh, all right.
Finn: Eh, math this.
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5. |
D.P.I. #8
00:24
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Kyle: So you like Kyle, don'tcha? Don't cha?!?!
Lindsay: I would hope so, I married him.
Kyle: Ehhh, this is a good point.
Luke & Ian: Kyle!
Ian: Kyle rules!
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
Luke: He draws cool things! Ian: On bags at Which Wich!
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
All: KyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyle!
Chris: Holy crap!
Kornflake & Mike: Holy crap!
Chris: I like Kyle!
Kornflake & Mike: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle when he’s TV’s Kyle and also Kyle when he’s on the television, because TV’s Kyle on the television is redundant!
Luke & Ian: Kyle!
Ian: Kyle rules!
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
Luke: He wrote this thing! Ian: The music, not the lyrics.
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
All: KyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyle!
Chris: Holy crap!
Kornflake & Mike: Holy crap!
Chris: I like Kyle!
Kornflake & Mike: I like Kyle!
Chris: Kyle's kitchen may lack square footage but it more than makes up for it in humor with items like cat biscuits and beavers on the wall.
Luke & Ian: Kyle!
Ian: Kyle rules!
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
Luke: His raccoon's green! Ian: She's named Strawberry.
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
All: KyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyle!
Chris: Holy crap!
Kornflake & Mike: Holy crap!
Chris: I like Kyle!
Kornflake & Mike: I like Kyle!
Luke: Ladies and gentleman!
We have one question for all of you!
Ian: That's right, we have one question for all of you!
What is your favorite thing about Kyle?
Luke: That's what we want to know!
We want y'all to tell us!
Ian: We want y'all to tell us your favorite thing about Kyle, in 5, 4,...
Luke & Ian: ...5-4-3-2!
(For 8 measures, we hear Devo Spice, Grant Baciocco of Throwing Toasters, DJ Particle, and Carrie Dahlby tell us their favorite things about Kyle.)
Luke & Ian: Ok, stop!
Ian: Well, ladies and gentleman
We have heard each and every one of you.
Luke: And we must tell you that you are wrong.
The best thing about Kyle, ladies and gentleman...
Luke & Ian: …is Lindsay.
Luke & Ian: Kyle!
Ian: Kyle rules!
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
Luke: His face has wings! Ian: They're called sideburns.
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
All: KyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyle!
Chris: Holy crap!
Kornflake & Mike: Holy crap!
Chris: I like Kyle!
Kornflake & Mike: I like Kyle!
Luke: Kyle is so awesome that I want to remove his skin and wear it as a suit so I can go work at Cartoon Network!
Ian: Luke, that's kinda creepy.
Luke: Shut up, Ian!
Luke & Ian: Kyle!
Ian: Kyle rules!
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
Luke: His belt is keen! Ian: Kamen Rider HENSHIN!
Luke: I like Kyle!
Ian: I like Kyle!
All: KyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyle!
Chris: Holy crap!
Kornflake & Mike: Holy crap!
Tile Guy: I WANT TILE!
Kornflake & Mike: No, 'I LIKE KYLE'!
All: KyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyleKyle!
Chris: Holy crap!
Kornflake & Mike: Holy crap!
Luke & Ian: I like Kyle!
Tile Guy: OKAY!
Ian: (*dumb laugh*)
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Ooooooooooh, oh oh ooooooh, woh oh oh oh ooooh oh!
You seek a hero that’s really great?
Well please allow me to alliterate.
My purple perm and piggy ponyard have pizazz!
Prohyas: Just don’t bring up that funny accent she has.
Oh no you did not!
Prohyas: Yes I did.
OCH!
I’ll fight all foes no matter how absurd.
My eyes see red! [Prohyas: Your eyes *are* red.] Heh, word.
I’ll break out my Mighty Magiswords,
And whether or not I win or lose,
might depend on the sword I choose! [Announcer: (with Vambre) CHOOSE!]
Keepin’ veggie swords from Hoppus,
Hoppus: Boing, boing!
I’m Vambre Warrior!
Prohyas: And I’m, Prohyas!
Well I’m Vambre Warrior,
and we’ll complete your mission,
if you will hire
the Warriors!
The Warriors!
My brother has a turquoise mullet,
and he throws Slugburgers down his gullet.
His sword-y puns, they get to me.
Prohyas: But it’s real cutting-edge comedy! Ha ha, get it?
BOOOOO-OOOO-OOO!!!
Our quest’s whate’er our client pleases,
‘cause that’s the nature of our bweezness.
Cross Rhyboflayven our swords are drawn.
Adversaries will not stand a chance.
I loathe them almost as much as I HATE PANTS!
Even Phil the thief can’t stop us!
Phil: Ha, HA!!!
I’m Vambre Warrior!
Prohyas: I’m still Prohyas!
Well I’m Vambre Warrior,
and we’ll make you go fishin’
with Dolphin Water!
The Warriors!
The Warriors!
We are the W-
Prohyas: Accordion MagiSword solo!
OCH!
(spoken:)
Tree-Jay: Zing, man! This is Tree-Jay comin’ atcha, and you’re startin’ off your wacky weekend wangdoodle listening to the latest hit by Vambre & Prohyas, the “Warriors For Hire”, exclusively right here on WDDF, The Forest!
Tweeter the Soundbird: The-the-the-the-the-the-the FOREST!
Get off the table, weirdo!
Prohyas: *You’re* a table!
Doing jobs for Princess Zange!
Prohyas: Is it dangerous? Yeah, prob’bly.
The Warriors!
I’m Vambre Warrior!
That Hooded Woman’s Mysterious,
Grup has no need to fear us,
And Oldman might die.
The Warriors!
Prohyas: Duder, my manliness is multifold!
Zombie Pumpkin MagiSword: Multifold!
The Warriors!
Someone tell Nohyas he’s not us! Nohyas: NO YEAH!
I’m Vambre Warrior! Handbre: Comment allez-vous?
Yes I’m Vambre Warrior!
Victory is ours!
Phil: Even when Phil loses, he wins!
Rexxtopher just wants to stomp us! Rexxtopher: Criminy butts!
I’m Vambre Warrior!
Prohyas: Prohyas is still in the song also! Heeey!
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Kyle: We spend all day drawing cartoons
Luke: From morning until the late afternoon.
Both: But when we come home from that:
Kyle and Luke
Will talk about toons
Oh, what in the world
could even be wrong with us?
Luke: Hey Kyle. Kyle: Yes Luke. Luke: I think that I'm the only guy
who remembers Rick Moranis in “Gravedale High”.
Kyle: You might have caught that, but the rest of us missed,
'cause I was watching “Kidd Video” starring Robbie Rist.
But what I really miss is Will Vinton’s Claymations,
Luke: (eating) How' bout a Michael Bay film about “the California Raisins”?
Kyle: Are you eating Chipotle? Luke: *gulp* Yeah, they're salsa's good!
Kyle: So rude. Luke: Hey suck my [BALSA WOOD!]
Kyle: I was such a huge geek for that cat named “Eek”.
Check out the fan art I made on my stylin' Cintiq!
Luke: Hey, I wonder why “Spawn” is no longer on.
Or how about a “Wreck-It Ralph” crossover with “Tron”?
Kyle: And that's the way that we go when we're recording our show,
throwing in some funny songs like Dr. Demento
Luke: And if we go off on tangents and you get real bored,
you can always Kyle: CHOOSE YOUR MAGISWORD!
Kyle: Ok, I’ll admit, we’re a little obsessed.
Luke: But we think cartoons are simply the best.
Both: So when we aren’t making them:
Kyle and Luke
Will talk about toons
And alienate
all the civilians!
Luke: Can we have one of our patented chats
about the show “Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats”?
Kyle: First of all, forget Heathcliff, he’s not the star.
It’s the rest and their transforming hover-house-car.
Luke: Yeah, that one cat named Wordsworth; He just spoke in rhymes
and wore headphones and roller skates all of the times.
Kyle: With Hector and Mongo, they were the sidekick trio
of Riff Raff, who dated that girl cat named Cleo.
Luke: Hey, did I ever tell you that my mom forbid
me from watching that show back when I was a kid,
because she thought Cleo was some kind of sexist slut?
Kyle: You’re kidding. Luke: Nope. Kyle: I, I don’t even-, wut?!
Luke: Like something like that would give me permanent scars.
Kyle: Didn’t you do once do a song called “Sex Kittens From Mars”?
Luke: Well yeah, but, y’know, y’know, it's like, y’know, just, y’know,
uh, rhyming words, shuuuuuut up!
Both:
Kyle and Luke
Will talk about toons
And alienate
half of the audience
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Prohyas: Oooooh, wheeeen, yoooou,
Have a task ahead of you that
Really makes you feel
Downright sad or scared or mad so much
That you can't even deal,
Stand up with pride and toss aside
Anxieties they bring,
And then just like that, you can do the thing!
Cattus: Do the thing?
Vambre & Prohyas: Yes! Just like that, you can do the thing!
Announcer: Verse 2!
Vambre: Take your average fuzzy kitten!
Do they overthink their plans?
No they jump right into action,
Take the fun that it demands!
Nana Mewfles: Just one little booty-wiggle, and they're poised to spring!
Prohyas: And then just like that, you can do the thing!
Cattus: Do the thing?
Vambre: Yes!
Vambre, Prohyas, & Nana Mewfles: Just like that, you can do the thing!
Announcer: Verse 3!
Vambre: When you face a band of baddies,
Plunder, Mustache, Crunch, & Nine: And they throw you in a sack!
Prohyas: That's time to trust your instincts,
Punchika, Kickicka, & Scritches: Or they'll counter your attack!
Cattus: The time has come, my rouge-ish chums,
To feel the blows I swing,
I'll save the day 'cause I can do the thing!
Officer Fordor: Do the thing?
Vambre, Prohyas, Cattus, & the Pirates: Yes!
Vambre, Prohyas, Cattus, Officer Fordor, & the Pirates: Just like that, you can do the thing!
Vambre, Prohyas, & Cattus: Yes - just - like - that, - oh, -
You - can - do - the -
THIIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIIING!”
Grup: You can do the thing! Yay!
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10. |
D.P.I. #9
01:04
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11. |
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[Kyle:]
Let me tell you all a story that goes off the rails.
I was in a pet shop called “Tails and Fails”
I thought I’d walk out with a little goldfish
But then everything went slightly amiss
There was a cat inside that caught my eyes
It was cute, in its way, if you could look beneath the flies.
I brought her to the register. They said her name was Flo.
Then they said there was a thing I really oughtta know.
Before the clerk could even start to say another thing
I paid and ran ‘cause I am very bad at listening.
I sat little Flo upon the passenger seat
But soon the seat was gone. Is that what a cat eats?
I got to my house and Flo ate my door.
The fleas on her body were super hardcore.
They ganged up on me and they said “y’know
This house now belongs to a cat named Flo.”
[Chorus]
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A kitty named Flo.
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A kitty named Flo.
Kyle: Now to bring you the second scene
my Scooter Picnic brother Insane Ian!
[Ian:]
I was a tad concerned that the fleas began to talk
Then one pulled out a gun and said “now turn around and walk!”
The rest had grabbed my wallet and passed it on to Flo
Then next thing I knew I went out my window
As I sat there stunned in the middle of the road
I thought to call for Triple A but nothing needed towed
I’d call for the Police, but what could I say?
Besides the fact the fleas also took my phone away
As I brushed myself off to head back into my home
I heard a nasty sound and my heart sunk like a stone
It sounded like a weasel choking on an arcade token
Next thing I knew, I saw my house was smokin’
I opened up my door and cried at the disgrace
Flo and all her friends seemed happy in my place
My whole house was trashed, then I saw my trophy case
Twenty years of bowling memories just had been erased
[Chorus]
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A kitty named Flo.
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A kitty named Flo.
Kyle: Bringing it in with chapter three
Here’s a verse from the great Luke Ski!
[Luke:]
So for my final battle, made the weapon I would use:
A ball of roman candles. I ran in and lit the fuse.
I hollered "Cowabunga!" as I lobbed it at Flo's head,
but all the missiles missed her and blew up my house instead.
Dust and chunks of brick and wood and Flo showing her claws.
Tied up by the fleas who took me close to kitty's jaws.
But when I was an inch away it clearly could be seen,
She really twern’t a cat at all, she was a Wolverine.
And by that what I mean, it was Hugh Jackman in disguise.
He stood right up and I sat there befuddled with surprise.
He’s researching a role for a new movie out in May.
The fleas were featured extras making 60 bucks a day.
The film won all the Oscars and the fans stole my debris.
Just then I got this item in a package sent to me:
A garment reading “I survived a Cat Named Flo attack,
And all I got’s this t-shirt and a TV's Kyle track!”
[Chorus]
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A kitty named Flo.
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A kitty named Flo.
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A kitty named Flo.
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo,
A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A Cat Named Flo, A kitty named Flo.
[Kyle:]
...Flo.
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12. |
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Jace McClain: Had a night mare... I saw lizards in the sky,
Hulk played the ukelele and he didn't spoil it.
Steve Goodie: I love my job... but while on a bathroom break,
I scratched an itch, and dropped my phone right in the toilet.
Marc Gunn: And the demons... in your bed are really Reavers,
so we're sailing fast with the Firefly aglow.
Luke Ski: This fake adult wrote... “When You Wish Upon A Death Star”.
Wish I had Vader sing to us [Vader:] “Let it goooo!”
Everybody: But we did post five hundred files,
Then we did post five hundred more,
Just to be the site to post one thousand FuMPs
so you'll laugh 'till you're sore!
Jared Ringold: Watch me scrollin'... scrollin', scrollin' down the screen.
Get my geek on with leet Word skills I'm able.
Austin Aeschliman: Edward Norton... gave me a goldfish for Christmas,
which is fine, ‘cause Santa Claus is too unstable.
Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III: Built a Think Tank... just to go to Middle Earth,
because they need me, and I couldn't take an airship!
Dr. Milo R. Pinkerton I: That’s *my* airship!
Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III: SILENCE!
ShoEboX: Though the bunny... is cute eating up a flower,
I'm still fueled by angst, 'cause I know MATH IS BULL-[bleep!]
How does that rhyme?
Robert Lund: I'm trying to pass a kidney stone,
while I eat prunes with a dash of salt.
Tony Goldmark: Racoons burned down my house. Though I'm not dead,
it's all everyone else's fault!
Ookla the Mok: [Rand:] Mwahahaha! [Adam:] Mwahahaha!
[Rand:] Mwahahaha! [Adam:] Mwahahaha!
[Yoda:] Go to bed, you must! [Bizarro:] Bizarro answers no!
[Yoda:] So, yes?
TV's Kyle: Can I get a 'Booyah'? (Booyah!) Can I get a 'Booyah'? (Booyah!)
Strictly speaking, I like pie, so GO GO GOOO!
Lindsay Smith: I'm wigglin' it! I'm wigglin' it! Watch me wiggle it!
TV's Kyle: Nooo. No, it's too-, actually, we can afford it now!
Mikey Mason: Last day at work... told them off 'cause I was hangry,
then played D&D, the best game ever seen!
Dino-Mike: To fight the system... I used the Urban Dictionary
to write a hymn for sin, but was told 'Don't be obscene'.
Phil Johnson: Dodged a bullet... from Rudolph the Blood-Soaked Reindeer
who soon diced up Santa's elves all into cubes.
Seamonkey: I'm stressin' out so... Oh won't you please show me your cans?
See those Natural E's, fresh and devoid of lubes.
Tom Smith: Man, you’ve gotta quit freaking out over boobs.
Seamonkey: Whatever...
Emi Briet: Eat! Sleep! FuMP! Repeat!
Carrie Dahlby: And I thought pregnancy was strange,
but rejoice! It's almost 'parent time'!
Bonecage: Gonna go to Grandma's house for soup, beans, and
cornbread! Man, that’d be sublime!
Devo Spice: (Who is the Doctor?) I am the Doctor!
(Who is the Doctor?) I am the Doctor!
You can paywutchyalike when you visit my snack bar!
Power Salad: Corned Beef & Cabbage! (Corned Beef & Cabbage!)
Corned Beef & Cabbage! (Corned Beef & Cabbage!)
On an Amazon drone, or in my driver-less car!
Carla Ulbrich: Chocolate Pepper! (Cherry Pepper!) Hacking Pepper! (Fracking Pepper!)
From cheek to cheek, if I have a butt at all!
Insane Ian: Benedict Cumberbatch! (Butterball Crumplezone!)
Benedict Cumberbatch! (Blueberry Captain-Crunch!)
Wanna be internet famous? Then let's get silly, y'all! EVERYBODY!
Everybody: But we did post five hundred files,
Then we did post five hundred more,
Just to be the site to post one thousand FuMPs
so you'll laugh 'till you're so-o-ooore!
Tile Guy: Okaaaay!
Insane Ian: I’m sore.
|
||||
13. |
Toys
01:50
|
|||
Hey! I just took a DNA test! He he, yeah!
Turns out, I'm 100% Cabbage Patch!
A toy
came to claim joy.
You wanna play coy
with my GameBoy?
Jedi Knight toy.
Rainbow Brite toy.
Ghostbuster fright toy?
Go fly a kite toy!
Got a toy Green Beret,
a toy puppy stray,
a toy Bob and Jay.
He-man saves the day!
- Hey! -
I just came to play!
Got this toy speaking Spanish:
[Spanish Buzz:] Buzz Lightyear al rescate!
Hear my Furby speak to you… (*Furby noises*)
Hot Wheels have a street crew… (*revving car noises*)
Gobots that go 'beep - boooo'... (*R2D2 SFX*)
R-2 D-2!
[Optimus Prime:] Transform and roll out!
TOYS!
Tooooooys!
TOYS!
By the power of Greyskull!
I HAVE THE POWER!
TOYS!
Tooooooys!
TOYS!
Cobra hits non-fatal!
YO JOE!
Cap-, -tain,
Kirk toys.
Steven Urkel toys.
Ninja Turtle toys.
Poké- Squirtle toys.
I like the Simpsons toys,
and I'll Play-D'OH!
Built a mansion
out of Lego!
Got an Autobot,
and Decepticon.
Got a MegaZord,
and a Voltron!
From the Smurf toys,
to the Nerf toys.
Universe toys!
I DESERVE TOYS!
My Spin Art is inky… And Pinky, Blinky, Clyde…
My Little Pony's Pinkie… They call her Pinkie Pie…
Barbie's dress is Slinky… Get it? *laugh*
Got Shrinky Dinks!
[Lion-O:] Thundercats, HOOO!
TOYS!
Tooooooys!
TOYS!
For the honor of Greyskull!
I AM SHE-RA!
TOYS!
Tooooooys!
TOYS!
That's why I'm so playful!
[Buzz Lightyear:] To infinity, AND BEYOND!
|
||||
14. |
Progressive Love Song
04:22
|
|||
(Uh!)
Excuse me ma'am, turns out I am
So moved by you for real.
With your consent, I'd like to present
The way that you make me feel. (Aw yeah.)
Your intelligence is enchanting,
Your creativity's so funky,
Your razor sharp wit just cuts me up
Like a chainsaw wielding monkey. (Ooh ooh, ah ah ah!)
But if I want to woo you through and through
And keep this spell unbroken,
I can only use acceptable compliments
And leave some things unspoken. (Shh!)
If I want to survive in these modern times
And protect my social health,
If I think you're physically attractive,
I best keep that to myself, because,
This is my progressive love song, darlin'.
My oh-so progressive love song.
(You always return your shopping cart.)
An approved expressive love song, honey.
This is my progressive love song.
(You have great time management skills.)
Your talents are tremendous,
And your charisma is exquisite…
…I'm sorry, this is bugging me too much,
I just have to ask. Why is it (Why is it?)
When I say "you're smart, kind, fun, creative,
Compassionate, and more",
But then I add "you're also astoundingly gorgeous",
That negates everything before? (Why?)
Why are they mutually exclusive?
I'm no objectifying tramp.
Just because I think you look totally lit,
I don't think of you as a sexy lamp! (It's a major award!)
Why can't I say you're "brilliant" AND "beautiful"
If both those things are true?
Now I can try to continue my argument,
OR, I can try to get next to you, and I choose number two.
This is my progressive love song, sweetie.
My oh-so progressive love song.
(You sort your recyclables.)
Never an oppressive love song, sugar.
This is my progressive love song.
(You foster kittens.)
Girl… I know it's problematic when I call you 'girl'.
So please give me a little guidance here.
I could say 'baby', but that's infantilizing.
I could say 'woman', but that might sound like
I'm giving you a command, and that's just, no.
I could say 'female', but makes me sound like
a space alien… Or even worse, an InCel.
7,000 years of cis-het men,
Ruining the world again and again.
Doing as they want just to slake their thirst.
No wonder you'd look at me and assume the worst.
Decades of Boomers writing movies and shows
Where women were just props for the male-dude-bros.
To escape its influence is my resolve.
Please believe me, I want to evolve! (Pika Pika!)
You're clever, passionate, forgiving,
So wise and versatile. (You got style.)
And the way you light up every room,
It always makes me smile. (Wide as a mile.)
I can't take it anymore! Please let me get away
With one comment on your look, I hope!
Can I just this once tell you "YOU'RE HOT!"
Without getting the hook?! [[X]] Nope!
This is my progressive love song, princess
My oh-so progressive love song.
(You're reasonable as Hell.)
No bein' repressive love song, pumpkin.
This is my progressive love song.
(That's what I 'preciates about you.)
This is my progressive love song, muffin.
My oh-so progressive love song.
Not passive-aggressive love song, snookums.
This is my progressive love song.
All I'm asking for is the least bit of empathy and grace and the benefit of the doubt that I'm actually a decent human being and not a flaming douchebag just because I wanna tell you the way you look in that dress makes my heart beat like the Energizer Bunny hooked up to an arc reactor! I just want to tell you all the ways I think you're absolutely amazing including the ways that have to do with your eyes, your hair, your smile, and all the other body parts attached to them without you thinking I'm a creepy jerk! Oh, for the love of God, help me please!
Peter Parker: You look really pretty.
MJ: And therefore, I have value?
Peter Parker: No. No, that's not what I meant at all. I was just-
Kyle: Luke, are you letting your paranoia write songs again?
Luke: NO!... Okay, yes.
|
||||
15. |
Q*bert
01:50
|
|||
This is a song about Q*bert.
This is a song about Q*bert.
If you ask “What's your favorite game?”
I'll tell you it's Q*bert.
People did songs about Pac-Man.
People did songs about Frogger.
People did songs about Donkey Kong.
No one did a song about Q*bert.
So this is a song about Q*bert.
This is a song about Q*bert.
Hopping 'round his pyramid
each time I drop a quarter.
Gotta turn all the blocks blue!
Gotta turn all the blocks green!
An orange, big-nosed, armless freak
with obsessive compulsive disorder!
This is a song about Q*bert.
This is a song about Q*bert.
Coily is the springy snake
who tries to squash him flat quick.
Q*bert jumps on a rainbow disc.
Coily jumps and falls to his death.
Q*bert is the only guy
who's killed more snakes than St. Patrick.
This is a song about Q*bert.
This is a song about Q*bert.
Red balls bouncing in his path.
I start to feel the pressure.
Ugg is hopping the right walls.
Wrongway's hopping the left walls.
Who taught them to hop that way?
It must be M.C. Escher.
This is a song about Q*bert.
This is a song about Q*bert.
If you say that I'm obsessed,
I'll tell you that I'm not, feeb!
But when Sam and Slick show up,
I swear just like Q*bert.
Using such profanity,
we should call him 'Gilbert Gottlieb'!
This is a song about Q*bert.
This is a song about Q*bert.
The “Saturday Supercade” cartoon
filled me with such radical glee!
He was awesome in “Wreck-It Ralph”
and that ad for Radio Shack.
'Cause of him I now know how
to work my joystick diagonally!
This is a song about Q*bert.
This is a song about Q*bert.
Born in '82 when people said,
“Take off, you hozer!”
But now after 32 years,
there's finally a song about Q*bert,
and I will keep playing it
'til I'm the Supreme Noser!
|
||||
16. |
Drivin' For Lyft
03:23
|
|||
GPS Robot Lady: Turn left on west Burbank Boulevard.
We live in the future, that's perfectly clear,
But who knew all you needed to start a career
Was a car and a smartphone app and spare time?
Uh,... I'll explain in the following rhyme.
I was unemployed, my savings were thin.
When a friend messaged me with a solid win.
She said "Relax dude, you'll be just fine.
My ride share service is a real gold mine!"
A ride share service? Is that like a cab?
"No it's more like a ride to the mall from your Dad.
Here's my referral code, I'm sure it'll work."
Well I guess it beats working as a retail clerk.
The vehicle inspection said my car ran fine.
Soon I got approved, and then I went online.
And so it began, a new vocation for me,
Drivin' for L-Y-F-to-the-T!
I wrote this song while drivin' for Lyft,
in the middle of a short two hour shift.
Got the pedal to the medal and the wheel to the steel
so that I can earn some money for my very next meal.
Follow the directions on my GPS,
That's all I gotta do to be a success.
Have a lollipop! You can call it a gift!
Yeah, I wrote this song while drivin' for Lyft!
Now that we're cruising at a moderate speed,
let me point out that my car has all that you need.
I got water bottles for quenchin' your thirst.
I got gum and mints, if your breath is the worst.
I got an umbrella if it rains where I park.
I got a flashlight if you're scared of the dark.
I got Windex, which I use with a squeegee.
I got a vacuum cleaner, like my homeboy Luigi!
I got tissues for a sudden 'ACHOO!'
I got hand sanitizer to clean up the goo.
I got a soft towel if you're bringin' your pup.
I got phone chargers. Tell your homie, 'Wassap?!'
I got in my trunk cleaning products galore.
I got vomit bags. Please don't throw up on the floor!
I got seat covers, put a stop to the mess.
But what I don't got is a boss! *heh heh* YES!!!
I wrote this song while drivin' for Lyft,
in the middle of a short four hour shift.
Got the pedal to the medal and the wheel to the steel
so that I can earn some money for my very next meal.
Follow the directions on my GPS,
That's all I gotta do to be a success.
Some cool Febreeze is the odor you sniffed.
Yeah, I wrote this song while drivin' for Lyft!
Luke: Hi, are you-
Boyfriend: Hey, thanks for picking us up Uber.
Luke: No sir, this is Lyft. Uh-
Boyfriend: Sorry about that, Uber.
Luke: Okay, so-
Girlfriend: WOOO!!! PAAARRTAAAAAAYYY!!!!
Luke: I, uh-
Girlfriend: You're so cute!
Luke: Well, well, thanks I-
Girlfriend: You look just like Chris Farley!
Luke: I's, ah, hmm.
Boyfriend: You're taking us to Buffalo Wild Wings, right?
Look for my windshield Lyft sign glow in the night,
And you'll this pair of eyes by the dashboard light.
And I'll take you to a concert, or a bar, or a show,
Or wherever the robot lady tells me to go. (GPS Robot Lady: Head southwest)
If you want a conversation, sure, I'll have a chat,
Or just sit there with my music, hey, I'm okay with that.
I made a pop hit playlist from the last 40 years,
'Cuz the stuff I listen to would likely freak out your ears.
Need an airport ride? Hey, I got your back!
Feelin' hungry? Sure, I'll take you for a snack.
Droppin' girls off at a club, livin' life without a care,
Knowing none of them existed when "Full House" was on the air.
I really hope you'll give your driver a tip,
And give a 5-star rating to them after your trip.
So now that I've told you all all that I know,
I just gotta ask the question, "DO YOU EVEN LYFT BRO?!"
I wrote this song while drivin' for Lyft
in the middle of a short six hour shift.
Got the pedal to the medal and the wheel to the steel
so that I can earn some money for my very next meal.
Follow the directions on my GPS,
That's all I gotta do to be a success.
Plug in my Aux Cord, jammin' Taylor Swift!
Yeah, I wrote this song while drivin' for Lyft
I wrote this song while drivin' for Lyft
at the end of a long eight hour shift.
Got the pedal to the medal and the wheel to the steel
so that I can earn some money for my very next meal.
Follow the directions on my GPS,
That's all I gotta do to be a success.
Those Hollywood Hills feel like Tokyo Drift!
Yeah, I wrote this song while drivin' for Lyft!
|
||||
17. |
D.P.I. #10
01:06
|
|
||
18. |
Run Barry Run
03:10
|
|||
FLASH! Zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing, zing!
FLASH! Zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing!
FLASH! Zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing, a-
Zing, a-zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing, zing! Wow!
Killer Frost! You better be nice or she'll- C'mon! (Yeah, yeah!)
Killer Frost! -fill you full of icicles! Step it up! (Yeah, yeah!)
Killer Frost! The cold never bothered her Step it up! (Yeah, yeah!)
Anywaaaaaay! C'mon!
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!)
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!)
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) Rogues always out of control, you know what I'm sayin?
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) I break the
door (Zoom!) when I enter facin' my doom.
(Wham! Bam!) Punchin' dudes like I'm Batman.
(na na na na na na na na!) But I'm much more loose.
(Go on, go on.) Grab the villains and Va-Moos! Go
Hang at S.T.A.R. Labs with my buddies like Caitlin Snow
More tech than Nintendo, trackin' down my next foe
Metahumans, hard to keep track of them all, so
(Nick names are thought up by Sisco!)
Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!
(Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!)
I gotta save the city, gotta rescue everyone.
(He's gotta save the city, gotta rescue everyone!)
Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!
(Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!)
And maybe when it's over, I can finally have some fun.
(And maybe when it's over, he can finally have some fun.) Can't slow down!
Killer Frost! You better be nice or she'll-
Killer Frost! -fill you full of icicles! Is he tired yet?
Killer Frost! The cold never bothered her
Anywaaaaaay! Well after the
(Zing-zing-zing!) I bought Iris a ring.
(I do! I do!) But Tricker's gettin' silly
(Captain Cold, BRR!) Forecast gettin' chilly
Why can't all these criminals step off me? (off me?)
Hit up C.C. Jitters for some coffee. (Coffee!)
Grodd is really strong. (OOO!) He thinks he's Donkey Kong (NAH!)
Music Meister's trying for a Broadway run,
(Sing, Barry Barry Barry Barry Barry, SING!)
Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!
(Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!)
I gotta save the city, gotta rescue everyone.
(He's gotta save the city, gotta rescue everyone!) Bddddddt!
Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!
(Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!)
And maybe when it's over, I can finally have some fun.
(And maybe when it's over, he can finally have some fun.) Can't slow down!
Fastest man, fastest man alive!
[SPOKEN:]
Barry: Hey Elongated Man! Is this song done yet?
Ralph: (through the speaker from the sound booth:) Got another minute to go, just stretch!
Barry: Easy for YOU to say!
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) Met Harrison Wells, he was the Reverse Flash.
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) Met Wally West, he became the Kid Flash.
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) Met Jay Garrick, alternate Earth Flash!
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) Hello Jesse Quick! Flash! Flash!
Did I make a "Flashpoint"? (Yeah, yeah!)
Did the timeline get screwed up? (Yeah, yeah!)
Tell me did I fix it? (*murmuring*)
C'mon! (You can't win 'em all, bro.)
Weather Wizard, (Go Barry, Barry!) Heat Wave, (Fast Barry, Barry!)
Alchemy, (Go Barry, Barry!) Peek-A-Boo, (Fast Barry, Barry!)
Mirror Master, (Go Barry, Barry!) King Shark, (Fast Barry, Barry!)
uh, Turtle! (This is getting ridiculous!)
Killer Frost! You better be nice or she'll-
Killer Frost! -fill you full of icicles!
Killer Frost! The cold never bothered her
Anywaaaaaay!
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) FLASH! Zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing, zing!
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) FLASH! Zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing!
(Vibe! C'mon Vibe!) FLASH! Zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing, a-
(Vibe!) Zing, a-zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing, zing!
Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!
(Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!) Step Central City! Step Central City!
FLASH! Zing-a-zing, a-zing, a-zing-a-zing, zing! (Speeeeeeeeed FORCE!!!)
(He's gotta save the city, gotta rescue everyone!)
Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!
(Run Barry run, Barry Barry run run!) Detective Joe West, c'mon!
Killer Frost! -fill you full of icicles! (Speeeeeeeeed FORCE!!!)
(And maybe when it's over, he can finally have some fun.) Can't slow down!
Killer Frost! You better be nice or she'll-
Killer Frost! -fill you full of icicles!
Killer Frost! The cold never bothered her
Anywaaaaaay!
|
||||
19. |
She's Kara Zor-El
02:22
|
|||
Guy 2: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird!
Guy 1: It's a plane!
Guy 2: No! It's Supergirl!
Guy 1: Man, don't you read CatCo Magazine? That's not her real name!
Guy 2: Then, what is her real name?
Guy 1: Well I'll tell ya!
She's Kara Zor-El. She's Kara Zor-el.
She's flying through bullets, so invuln'rebel!
To see her is to fall under her spell.
She's Kara, she's Kara Zor-el.
Her X-Raying look, the ice in her breath.
Ignorant crim'nals are scared half to death.
All of National City thinks she's swell.
She's Kara, she's Kara Zor-el.
At first you see she's at CatCo, Guy 2 & doubled: She's at CatCo!
Meek and quiet like a little mouse.
But facin' some bad guys, shoots lasers from her eyes,
And throws Metallo through a local house: Supergirl: Oops! My bad!
Not grumpy like Arrow, and faster than Flash.
She'll team up with Legends, and have a big bash!
The multiverse's crisises will quell,
With Kara, With Kara Zor-El. Yeeeaaahhh! Ho!
Guy 1: Man, that Supergirl is so C.W.!
Guy 2: C.W.?
Guy 1: Yeah, she's a Caped Warrior!
Guy 2: How about a Clever Woman?
Guy 1: Comic Wit!
Guy 2: Cartoon Wunderkind!
Guy 1: Currently Watching!
Guy 2: Uh, currently watching?
Guy 1: She's standing right behind you.
Supergirl: Boo!
Guy 2: GAH!
Supergirl: Ha! *snort* I love doing that to people!
Went flip mode on Mix-yiz-pit-lick! Guy 2 & doubled: Kill-tip-zee-zim!
And grounded LiveWire with a shock.
Down at the D.E.O., black and blue was Indigo,
Beat Music Meister with a 2-step bop! Supergirl: Step, ball-change, kick!
Compassion and heart, strength of Hercules.
She's my own personal Kryptonite, 'cuz she's got me weak in the knees!
The definition of a blonde bombshell,
That's Kara, that's Kara Zor-El.
Oh, she's Kara!
She's Kara!...
She's Kara Zor-El!
Yeeeaaaahhh!
Get your cape on! Yeah!
|
||||
20. |
|
|||
[Peter Parker (Devo Spice)]:
Aw yeah, that's my jam, I mean literally my jam
Try and keep up because you gotta know who I am
Peter Parker, with Mary Jane beside her man
I am the one-and-only Spider-Man
I climb walls, shoot webs, great strength and agility
And with great power comes blah blah blah
My ability to cling to walls and then swing
Means I'm shootin' out webs like silly string
I got a theme song, t-shirt, cartoon, and toys
And a breakfast cereal that nobody enjoys
And a third nipple, at least according to my wiki
Don't mind fighting crime but my hands are always sticky
So Kingpin lost his whole family what a pity
But the thing he built could destroy the whole city
Hate to be a party pooper but we gotta stop the threat
Take this goober, and I'm dead
[Miles Morales (Creative Mind Frame (AKA 1-UP))]:
When I'm done you'll wanna cop this... put em up
Miles morales here (heh) that's what's up
Young kid but a brainiac a maniac
For anything my uncle would do, but he's a shady cat
And that's another act back to my story line
I packed no punches and that's being blunt kid
Itty bitty spider bite that's what made it story time
That's so nuts now I lack no function
You're telling me that I'm a new Spider-Man
Gone from no skills to doing anything a fighter can
First the multiverse gets shattered... broken jars
Now a bunch a spideys slinging round... broken arms
Don't doubt me cas I'm never giving up
Steph Curry on a dunk sometimes I'm trippin up
Steady on my grind enemies I'm rippin up,
No spoilers here so that's enough.
[Peter B. Parker (Insane Ian)]:
Hi I'm Pete, It's sure nice to meet ya
I fight supervillains (when I'm not eating pizza)
I'm just like that last guy, tho my hair is much darker
My driver's license says my name's Peter B. Parker
Tho starker in contrast, we're really quite alike
My guts a little larger but of the two, well, I'm alive
But if a girl gets kidnapped and she's thrown inside a van
Well I'm another friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!
Thought I was alone (not just cause MJ left me)
Struggled through a portal (cause I might be kinda hefty)
Landed in this city, met this little kiddie
He was bitten by a spider like the one that went and bit me
Now I'm a mentor, teach this kid the ropes
On how to be a hero and to give people hope
Responsibility & Power, and before you have to ask
Always wash your suit and never sneeze inside the mask
[Gwen Stacy (Bonnie Gordon)]:
Hey guys, it's Gwen, and I have been
Living as the one and only Spider-Woman
Bit by a spider and I might've got here first
And I'm from another, another universe
I don't do friends, got two or three styles
And I'm not helping you through puberty, Miles
You were a big help and I'm glad you were there but
No, you don't get to like my haircut
I've been protecting my version of New York
Without ever expecting any help for the work
Now lots of spider people are infesting these nights
Of all of you I look best in these tights
But still, it's nice that support has appeared
'Cause this whole experience has been royally weird
But if I'm not mistaken, there's more for us to see
And do I smell bacon?
[Spider-Ham (TV's Kyle)]:
That would be me
You're not hallucinatin', Gwen, you know who I am!
I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham
Where's Ducktor Doom? I'll give him a tackle!
And then I'll take a selfie for J. Jonah Jackal
Got a hospital and a horse got loose?
Call Peter Porker. I'll Chuck Jones his caboose!
I'll frolic and I'll dance and I'll do this with my pants
and I'll whack him on the snoot! Man, he'll never stand a chance
I got a big hammer and you know I'm gonna club ya
My Marvel Tails will make you go "What The?!"
Kingpin and Liv, man, who the heck is that?
Reminds me of KingPig and Dr Octopussycat
I've heard folks have been shipping me and Noir.
Just pray Mary Jane Waterbuffalo don't know who you are
In Gwen's subconscious, you could say that I steered her
Does that sound weird? It CAN get weirder
[Peni Parker (LEX the Lexicon Artist)]:
This is my spider, I'm Peni P, we are
A dynamic duo, call me SP//dr
I might be kawaii but that don't mean that I'm weak
Because I pack a streak of genius in my teeny physique
See I pilot this machine with my psychic connection
We scale the highest ceilings like the guys in Inception
Protecting New York City from malevolent creatures
And we're messing with their systems like professional griefers
My father left to join the Black Parade
Now it's up to me to carry on the masquerade
I have to say, my mech suit is better than Tony's
It can send you to your death with twenty seven emojis, homie
So don't be stunting cause I'm small and I'm cute
I crawl in the suit, all of a sudden I'm taller than you
That's all that I do, a supercomputer not a shooter of webs
Here from the future to save you losers or you would be dead
[Spider-Man Noir (the great Luke Ski)]:
The wind follows me, it smells like rain.
SURPRIZE ATTACK! You mugs will feel my pain.
Uncle Benjamin was eaten by Vulture. So gory,
But it makes a good hard-core origin story.
I'm Spider-Noir, the color thing is new to me,
Unlike egg creams and moral ambiguity.
Wrong or right? I don't know what to say!
Am I black or white, or 50 shades of grey?
You wanna dance in a biscuit box session?
I'll crash you harder than the Great Depression!
I'm trying a fedora. Future fashion is wild,
But punching a Nazi is never out of style.
Just like 6 bullets in a snub .45,
We're Web Warriors, takin' nobody's jive.
Out of all of the fellas, I cause the most fright,
'Cuz I am the terror that THWIPS in the night!
[Spider-Ham (TV's Kyle)]:
Is he allowed to say that? Legally?
|
||||
21. |
|
|||
[Luke: Narrator]
It's hot as balls outside.
A summer poem by Cirque du So What.
It's hot as balls outside.
When winter ends, folks squeal with glee
and run around saying "we're finally free!"
I stay inside and crank the A.C..
It's hot as balls outside.
It's hot as balls outside.
On a leather chair you relax and slack,
Sleeping topless all the way down to your crack,
Then sit up and your skin gets torn off your back.
[SFX: *skin getting ripped off someone's back*]
[Chris: YYYYEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWWCCCCHHH!!!]
It's hot as balls outside.
It's hot as balls outside.
I try not to leave, but when I must Sedan it,
I'll open my Ford and start to fan it,
Because my Mercury is hotter than it's namesake's planet.
It's hot as balls outside.
'Let's head to the beach!' the mass proclaims.
Check out the bikinis on all the dames.
All I see is gingers bursting into flames.
[SFX: *burst of flames*, *flames continue*]
[Devo Spice: AAAHHH!!! AAH! AAH! AAH!]
It's hot as balls outside.
[Devo Spice: SPF 127, MY ASS!!! AAAHHH!!! OW!! MY ASS!!!! AAH!!]
Most TV shows have gone bye-bye,
And allergens let loose and fly
While mosquitoes suck your arteries dry.
It's hot as balls outside.
While scores of drunkards crowd the scene
in line at music festival's latrine,
I'm home making my costume for Halloween.
It's hot as balls outside.
The summer's not the only heat,
Apparent by dogs who tend to greet
By plowing his boner into your feet.
[Dog: *dog humping a leg noises*]
[ShoEboX: GAAAAH!]
[SFX: *breaking glass*]
[Dog: *dog yelps while flying out window*]
[ShoEboX: My shin is not your bitch, you Alpo-slurping pervert!]
It's hot as balls outside.
In summer, you don't need a coat,
But I'd trade that for the swampy moat
Encompassing my taint and scrote.
It's hot as balls outside.
In the blistering heat, the plants won't grow.
All dried and brown, filling me with woe.
But you know what's actually pretty? SNOW!!!
It's hot as balls outside.
If you like summer, enjoy your bliss.
I'll just stand here sweating till I smell like piss
And think up more bullshit poems like this.
It's hot... as balls... outside.
|
||||
22. |
D.P.I. #11
00:28
|
|
||
23. |
The Twilight Zone
04:55
|
|||
[*“The Twilight Zone” window breaking noise*]
[Anthony Fremont: Don't make any noise when the music's playing.
I don't like any noise when the music's playing.]
Back-up vocalist with reverb: Turn on the SyFy Channel, New Years Day. It's 2 p.m.
[Back-up vocalist with reverb speaks along with first two lines of song at a lower volume]
It's 2 p.m. after an H-bomb war.
I'm sittin' in the rubble of the library floor.
All the books I can read, [*glasses break*] but I just broke my glasses.
[Henry Bemis: That's not fair! That's not fair at all!]
Yeah, there's mannequins come to life, minds that you can read,
tiny space invaders, monsters on Maple Street.
Will I ever escape? The penny fortune teller don't like my chances.
[*fortune teller lever sound*]
[Dan Aykroyd: You, you want to see something really scary?]
[Albert Brooks: You bet!]
Help, I've stepped into “The Twilight Zone”!
Through the scary door that leads to the unknown.
It's best if you keep thinking happy thoughts,
or you might get turned into a jack-in-the-box.
Young Anthony told Dan, “You're a very bad man!”
[Anthony Fremont: You're a bad man! You're a very bad man!]
Birthday didn't go as planned. “You're a very bad man!”
[*Twilight Zone theme for 2 measures*]
[Dad: It's good what you done to Dan! It's real good!]
At Treasures Unlimited, you can buy eerie things.
A ventriloquist dummy that can move without strings,
and a slot machine. I'm pretty sure I heard it call me.
[Slot machine: Franklin! *rattle* Frankin! *rattle*]
This old camera shows the future to help you commit crime,
A stopwatch that freezes time,
and for your daughter, get this pretty wind-up talking dolly.
[Talky Tina: My name's Talky Tina, and I'm going to kill you!]
Help, I've stepped into “The Twilight Zone”!
There's a dead grandma on my toy telephone.
A blonde bombshell shunned by some pig-nosed freaks,
so she would fit in at a convention for geeks.
Now I don't mean to complain, but there's a man on the wing of the plane!
[Bob Wilson: There's a man out there! - Do I look insane?]
I know you think I'm insane, but there's a man on the wing of the plane!
[John Valentine: There's a man on the wing of this plane!]
Shoot him through the window pane.
[*sound of gunshot blowing out window, which quickly fades out*]
Rod Serling (spoken over bridge):
Listen close so you all don't miss, as we go a little something like this. While his peers fill their meaningful lives with high-paying jobs, starting families, and developing entertainment in tinseltown, a man named Luke Ski has instead devoted the past 20 years to the pursuit of one goal: To create comedy songs that will top the charts of “The Dr. Demento Show”. While he may seem like a friendly neighborhood 'Peter Parker', he is in reality 'Stealing Like A Hobbit', frequently co-opting pop-hit melodies for song parodies.But much like 'Snoopy The Dogg', he believes his delusions of greatness are real. A mind packed with 'Too Much Stuff', he floats down a stream of consciousness, with thoughts of Disney World pirates and Jedi knights. But 'When You Wish Upon A Death Star', you'll often find out that 'You Don't Know Jack'. Soon this deconstructor of pop-culture will deconstruct himself into a meta-oblivion. So despite being a genuine kid-at-heart, this 'Fake Adult', finds himself rocking the mic...
…in “The Twilight Zone”.
Help, I've stepped into “The Twilight Zone”!
There's that Hitch-Hiker again, is he a clone?
The moment I thought I had broken free,
The Tower Of Terror got the drop on me! (Whoa-oa!)
Help, I've stepped into “The Twilight Zone”!
Aliens fed us, now look how we have grown.
The book that they brought is called “To Serve Man”,
so why am I basting in this frying pan?
Can't leave “The Twilight Zone”, when the rerun hits are shown.
[Mike Ferris: Help me! Please! Help me! Help me! Help me!]
I'll never get back home, when the rerun hits are shown.
[Charles Whitley: Maybe there are people who stay young?]
[Mr. Bloom: The day we stop playing,
is the day we start getting old.
[Charles Whitley: There is magic in the world. I know there is.]
[Ben Conroy: Charlie, take me with you!
Take me with you! Charlie, wait for me!]
When the rerun hits are shown. A-hah-hah!
When the rerun hits are shown.
When the rerun hits are shown. A-hah-hah!
When the rerun hits are shown.
[Theme to “The Twilight Zone” is sung falsetto over the music's fade-out, sound bite from “3rd Rock From The Sun” plays at full volume to finish song.]
[Sally Solomon: So how was your trip, sir?
Big Giant Head: Horrifying, at first. I looked out the window and...
I saw something on the wing of the plane.
Dr. Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!]
|
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24. |
Small Round Yoda
02:35
|
|||
[The Armorer: "When one chooses to walk the way of the Mandalore, you are both hunter and prey. How can one be a coward if one chooses this way of life?... ...This is the way."]
Yeah, I'm gonna
save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna -
- fly high while we lie low. I'm gonna
save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna - [*SFX: Gonk, Gonk]
- fly. A long time ago…
I am a
Mandalorian, - named Din Djarin.
Kin have been chagrin, - and to show our skin's a sin.
Greef got me a job, huh. - Client's got the fob.
He been in the Empire, slummin' skid row like a slob, now.
Said 'We'll pay you with bescar, sir.'
I'll update my armor.
Got help from an Ugnaught farmer. [Kuiil: "I have spoken."]
I'm not a blerg charmer. [SFX: *Blerg noise*]
I.G. sorta crashed in. Laser guns a'-blastin'.
Bomb just like a Scud. A disposable assassin.
Gunfire like crazy. Found the asset maybe.
Fifty years old, wait, he's, an actual baby?!
Gonna have to pay the piper.
I'm a foundling swiper.
Flyin' through the space that's hyper, [SFX: *baby pooping*]
and I'll change his diaper.
Yeah, I'm gonna
save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna -
- fly. Fight a space rhino. I'm gonna
save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna -
- fly. Waves his hand solo.
Pretty soon, Cara Dune, fought her when I flipped in.
Blasters at our heads, Child is watchin', sippin' Lipton.
Why do people love me? I'm the 'X' in this equation:
'What if Boba Fett had lived up to his reputation?'
Moff Gideon better step on back! I got a
flamethrower gauntlet and fly jet pack. So if you
try to kidnap my small round Yoda, I can
bring you in warm, or I can bring you in cold.
Yeah, I'm gonna
save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna -
- fly some place I don't know. I dedi-
-cate my life to this small round Yoda. Gonna -
- fly, do I hear banjo?
[Cara Dune: "Take care of this little one."]
[Greef Karga: "Or maybe, it'll take care of you."]
[Mando: "That's not a toy."]
Yoda: Ooh! Crunchy frog! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
|
||||
25. |
||||
(Jyn Urso: This is a rebellion, isn’t it?... I rebel.)
Look around, everywhere you see oppression,
From Jedha to Yavin Four. (And more.)
And with - every new fascist transgression
You just can’t take anymore! (Start a Star War!)
It makes no difference if it’s the Empire,
The First Order, or the Sith. (Vader: Make Alderaan great again!)
When you see injustice, let it light your fire!
If there’s a Death Star, a Starkiller’s what you are! You know it!
Come on, go Rogue! (whisper: Rogue.) (Rogue!)
Let them feel your force like a hellion! (Force like a hellion!)
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on, Rogue! (whisper: Rogue.) (Rogue!)
And you too can lead a rebellion! (You’re our only hope!)
You - are - your - only hope!
Amidala and her crew
stopped the blockade at Naboo.
Jyn Urso helped out huge
with her tropical subterfuge.
Young Ahsoka made great quips.
Left the order. So long, Snips.
Rey beat Kylo at his game.
Maybe Maz knows her last name.
Hera flies the Ghost through space.
Sabine graffiti’s a Trooper’s face. (SFX: *spray paint* Trooper: Hey!)
Mon Mothma and Aunt Beru.
Princess Leia, we love you.
Rebel with an attitude.
General with some fortitude.
(Vader: It is pointless to resist it!)
Nevertheless, she persisted.
Rogue. [echoes] (Fight! Oppose!)
Rogue. [echoes] (May the force be with you!)
Come on, go Rogue! (whisper: Rogue.) (Rogue!)
Let them feel your force like a hellion! (Force like a hellion!)
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on, Rogue! (whisper: Rogue.) (Rogue!)
And you too can lead a rebellion! (You’re our only hope!)
You - are - your - only hope!
Ooh, you’ve got to go...
...Rogue. [echoes]
(sound bites: Han: I love you. Leia: I know. SFX: *blaster shot* SFX: *Wilhelm scream!*)
|
||||
26. |
D.P.I. #12
00:37
|
|
||
27. |
Candybars
03:26
|
|||
I can live my life with no candybars.
No candybars. No candybars.
I can live my life with no candybars.
No candybars. No candybars.
Look at me, look at me.
Scale’s showin’ two-hundred-sixty-three
pounds. And it’s not surprising
‘cause I like the sammiches at Potbelly.
I can eat a dozen oreos.
I can eat a double Quarter Pounder.
I can eat a family bag of Doritos.
And I can get depressed because I’m getting rounder.
I can drink a gallon of chocolate Quik.
I can nom Ramen with a choppy-stick.
I can carve a Tombstone Pepperoni.
And eat at Arby’s and not be sick.
Breakfast Links made from tofu gook.
Mrs. Grass’ Soup I like to cook.
All these habits must be shook.
I’ll have bacon once and awhile, but, look
I can have a modicum of self-control.
Of self-control. Of self-control.
And I can have some iceberg in a salad bowl,
Not a casserole, made of pizza rolls.
Look at me, look at me.
I just did a round of therapy.
I’m fine, just stay on my meds
And make changes incrementally.
I can walk to work, not drive my Nissan.
Take supplements from my pharmacy.
I can read that book by Nerdist, he’s on
TV, think his name’s Chris Hardbody.
I can make a diet Pinterest gallery.
I can count every point and calorie, eat squash,
go to meetings at Weight Watchers
and give them a big chunk of my salary.
Invest in a health club, shake my assets.
Maybe sign up for pole dancing classes,
Yoga, or Pilates or some new contortion.
I will not blow this diet out of a portion.
‘Cause I can eat a lima not a jellybean.
Not a jellybean. Not a jellybean.
And I don’t have to bow down to the Dairy Queen,
Or to Krispy Kreme, or the KFC.
(spoken:)
Okay so, a 15 ounce can of Skyline Chili, how many points is this? One serving is 250 calories, each can is 2 servings, so 500 calories, Multiply that by .0303, that’s 15.15. 2 grams of sugar, multiply by .1212, that’s .2424. 12 grams of saturated fat, multiply by .2727, that’s 3.27-aaahhh! It’s bad enough being on a diet, WHY DO I HAVE TO DO MATH?!?!?!
Where’s the beef?! Where’s the beef?!
Right up here in my mouth!
And I will smother and cover every
Waffle House in the south!
My El Pollo is Loco! My milk is Nestle!
My Rocky’s Roccoco! My breadsticks are free!
I can be the king of mastication!
Tanker truck of Coke is my hydration!
Order all Chipotle combination!
Red Lobster? 101 Crustaceans!
I used to think that I could be a sleek guy,
Now I really don’t care!
And I’m gonna eat all the things they deep fry
At the Wisconsin State Fair
Because a fair is a veritable smorgasbord!
A smorgasbord! A smorgasbord!
The side dish for my T-bone is a side of pork!
Screw the salad fork! Eat just like an orc!
And I’ll consume a metric ton of Häagen-Dazs!
Of Häagen-Dazs! Of Häagen-Dazs!
Of Häagen-Dazs! Of Häagen-Dazs!
Of Häagen-Dazs!
I can live my life with no candybars.
No candybars. No candybars.
I can live my life with no candybars.
No candybars. No candybars.
|
||||
28. |
||||
In '82 down at NBC
They were trying to make must-see TV
Asking who would perform at 12:30
Following the Carson Show? (who?)
Soon David Letterman comes
With blue cards held in between his thumbs
Who cares what the rating becomes
When he breaks his fake window? (*break sfx*)
His necktie danced with a pull-and-twist
And in each episode read a Top Ten List
Sent in every day from the home office
In Boise, Idaho. (who?)
Watch David Letterman stand
With the World's Most Dangerous Band.
Paul Schaffer's in command
From behind his piano.
On Thursday nights, he'd read Viewer Mail.
The Thrill Cam roared with a mighty wail.
And Chris Elliot would often scale
From beneath the studio. (who?)
Watch David Letterman's schtick.
Each Stupid Human and Pet Trick.
He'd jump on a wall and stick
In a suit made of velcro.
That Larry Bud Melman was all the rage,
And Biff Henderson managing the stage.
Some slomo destruction debris rampage,
Then his next guest Jay Leno. (ooh!)
Watch David Letterman flee
The pinhead suits working at G.E.
They screwed over Dave, so he went to C-
-B-S to do "The Late Show"!
|
||||
29. |
||||
(1st verse)
Hi.
I am Grup,
And I like
To do things.
I'm a dragon
With a tail,
And a nose,
A little wings.
(2nd verse)
Hi. Hey Rhyboflaven! How do you do?
I am Grup, Here's the guy I'm introducing to you!
And I like He would like for everybody to know,
To do things. He's gonna do his thing and put on a show!
I'm a dragon From a mystic land of legend and lore!
With a tail, The likes of which you've never heard of before!
And a nose, He knows the songs that makes you cheer when he sings,
A little wings. When he takes flight on mighty dragon's wings!
(3rd verse)
Hi. Hey Rhyboflaven! How do you do?
OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!!
I am Grup, Here's the guy I'm introducing to you!
OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!!
And I like He would like for everybody to know,
OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!!
To do things. He's gonna do his thing and put on a show!
OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!!
I'm a dragon From a mystic land of legend and lore!
OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!!
With a tail, The likes of which you've never heard of before!
OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!!
And a nose, He knows the songs that makes you cheer when he sings,
OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!!
A little wings. When he takes flight on mighty dragon's wings!
OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!! OCH!!!
(outro finish)
As he takes flight on migh- -ty dra- -gon's wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings! OCH AND ROLL!!!
|
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30. |
You're Welcome, MarsCon!
02:39
|
|||
A ha ha, Ok, Ok, I see what's happening here.
You're face to face with weirdness and it's strange.
Your faces reveal how you feel: "He's deplorable!"
Well it's nice to see that fanboys never change.
Open your ears, take a pause.
Yes, it's really me, Luke Ski. Hold applause.
I know I'm a lot. You're quite annoyed,
When you're staring at this dementoid!
What can I say except "You're welcome!"
For the comedy music we bring!
Hey it's Ok, it's Ok, "You're welcome!"
The track that's full of funny songs we sing!
Hey, who had nerd songs back in 2003,
performed in the room for karaoke? Uh, me!
When the winter's cold, who calls the acts from Demento?
You're looking at him, yo!
Oh! Also I sell last year's tunes, - "You're welcome!"
To raise the funds to pay for rooms!
I book the Music Guest Of Honor gigs, - "You're welcome!"
So Judy Tenuta can say "Suffer, pigs!"
So what can I say except "You're welcome!"
For the concerts I plan for you folks!
Buy CDs today, it's Ok! "You're welcome!" Ha!
I just can't get 'enough comedy jokes'!
"You're welcome!", "You're welcome!"
Well, come to think of it...
Kids, honestly, yeah I'm an egotist,
But I have so many folks on my 'thank you' list.
The bass that shakes the ground?
That'd be Jon Allen who's running the sound!
Ellen and John, and Doornail and Mike!
They'll take your cash and give you stuff you like!
J.P. Tuesday, he brings the roster in!
Kornflake does exercise splashing her lobster fin!
And the con staff support is sublime!
And there's Abby who keeps me on time!
Byron and Chris, they are totally bitchin'!
Look at them in the back D.J.in', streaming, and Twitchin',
and Twitchin', and Twitchin', and Twitchin', and Twitchin',
ha, ha! Hey!
Well anyway, let me say "You're welcome!"
For this festival found in the snow!
Hey it's Ok, it's Ok, "You're welcome!"
In 30 seconds here, we gotta go!
Locals say "Eh? Ya hey!" "You're welcome!"
And if I'm unprepared, I'll fudge it!
So pre-reg today, then say, "You're welcome!"
'Cause this track has got everything but a budget!
Hey MarsCon! "You're welcome!"
...and thank you!
|
the great Luke Ski Burbank, California
"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs
about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .
Luke Ski is an animation Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor.
The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
... more
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