– “You should excuse it.”
– “Why?”
– “It’s no big deal.”
– “How come?”
– “This is their first time. Try to understand.”
– “Tell me something. Did it happen to you?”
– “Something like it has-”
– “No, not ‘something’ like it. This exact thing. From these specific people. Did it happen to you or did it happen to me?”
– “Umm… You.”
– “So don’t tell me if it’s big deal or not. I’ll judge that; for it was me who faced the pain.”
– “Yes; but you need to understand -”
– “And that’s the other thing. You’re assuming I haven’t tried to understand. You’ve placed a convenient idea in your mind that I’d have excused it if I had understood it. As if one must come with the other.”
– “Couldn’t it?”
– “It could; but nobody can demand it should. For it depends on what happened, subjectively; and to whom. That’s my point. It’s perfectly possible to understand why something happened; and yet to not deem it excusable. It’s not just my logic; it’s reason.”
– “How?”
– “I have considered what happened; along with why, how, by whom. Perhaps what happened was a result of ignorance. Maybe a spontaneous action with no assessment of consequences. A pinch of personal motive with no sense of how it would affect me. Or something that started as a joke that went out of control. Reasons are plenty and I have tried to find as many of them as possible. And sure, most of them can be titled ‘natural’, or ‘innocent’, even.”
– “Yes.”
– “But it’s not the reason that defines an action; it’s the result that measures it. And the result was significant pain and loss to me. Sure, I understand; I’m not thinking about dramatic ideas like punishment or revenge. I’ve never been one for cinematic sentiments.”
– “So why don’t you stretch it a bit further and forgive-”
– “Forgiveness is a whole different idea. It’s something to be offered with caution and thought. We don’t always have the luxury of offering it to others unconditionally. That’s ideology; not practicality. Forgiveness has something in common with the action to which it’s offered: a need to check consequences. What if we offer it and they take it as a permission to be as ignorant as ever and continue acting silly and hurt some others as they hurt us? Forgiveness makes sense when it’s asked after solid improvement and growth in character. Not before.”
– “Wouldn’t forgiveness release you from pain?”
– “No, that’s the job for understanding; which I’m done with. I have no pain anymore; I have a memory and an experience. Understanding has two levels: one is theirs; the other focuses on me. I remember the education – something about me made it possible for nature to hurt me. Pain was my reaction; as per my condition at the time. I’m working on replacing that weakness with strength. That’s solely my job, on my own. I use pain; it’s how I cancel it. It has nothing to do with them; and I don’t need forgiveness as a tool to soothen myself. I don’t want medicine; I want growth. In me. And I’d suggest the same to them too. So I understand them; and I do not excuse.”
© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
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Counselor Apoorva 