Most may have never played the arcade game or even heard of it. Those who have may even make pussy remarks about its less-than-realistic gameplay. Today, Ikaruga© presents the kickass-ness of WORLD KICKS to the uninformed dickless masses who think that only 'realistic simulations' of their favorite sports games are worth playing.

Short primer on the game:

Manufacturer: Namco

Released: 1999

Conversion Class: Sega Naomi Original

Number of concurrent Players: 4

Maximum number of Players: 8

Controls: Analog Joystick and Kick Pad

 

Short primer on the gamplay:

Basically choose a national team with 4 players and whup serious ass in 3 (or possibly 4) matches. Shooting, passing, crossing, tackling are ALL done with the kick pad, and movement is controled by the joystick. Individual control of the players can be swapped with a button (if playing with less than 4 on your side). THERE ARE NO FUCKING RULES IN THIS GAME (other than corner kicks and out balls) so anything goes (you can even tackle your own teammates). Points are tabulated based on number of goals scored, teamwork, type of goal scored and other factors which I've yet to determine. Score enough points and you're in for a special treat if you beat the Finals.

Why this game kicks major ass:

The problem with other soccer titles like FIFA and Winning Eleven is that the developers all try to make the game as realistic as possible, meaning to say its not so much about having fun with the game but more of careful planning and skillful playing. Now that's all fine and dandy but chances are each game will not erupt into an explosion of vulgarities and laughter. WORLD KICKS is fucking different. As mentioned above THERE ARE NO GODDAMN RULES! Grab the ball and bash your way through the pitch basically summarises the gist of the gameplay. Sounds retarded? Try playing it with 4 players with bad tempers on the same team.

All ball work is handled by the kickpad, and though prone to initiating the wrong plays occasionally causing the ball play to fuck up, it manages to captures the player's intention rather well. The novelty of the kickpad makes this game even more kickass, since the game degenerates into 4 grown bitches hammering away on the machine while spewing vulgarities AND laughing at the same time.

Graphically the game is on par with typical modern 3D arcade games like Virtua Striker but again, WORLD KICKS takes it a step further by adding FUCKING HILARIOUS animation to each of the players. Forget the lame running/shot/passing/dribbling animations that every soccer game in existence has. WORLD KICKS includes animations when the player gets smacked by the ball, tackled to the ground, falling into the goal for no reason, victory dances etc. The game doesn't waste time trying to make each shot look pretty, instead focusing on how the player doubles up in pain after being slide tackled or dick smashed by the ball. You have to see it for yourself to understand the level of hilarity I'm talking about. You'd swear it'd be the funniest thing you ever saw in a sports game. Did I mention this game KICKS MAJOR HINEY??

"You know its fucking funny before he even kisses the turf"

The computer AI is no pushover either. The first stage is a breezer to get newbies familiar with the games controls and gameplay. You could literally run straight at goal with the ball and the opponents will just run alongside you hoping your player trips and falls so they can pick up a durian (loose) ball. However, the 2nd and 3rd stages ramp up the difficulty exponentially. Opponents slide more regularly, utilise more passing, and score fancier goals. By the 3rd stage (Finals), you'll barely have time to decide which way to run before you feel the opponents boot up your pussy ass and your player rolls dramatically on the ground.

"How can you resist the fucking charm of this game..?"

For those who are able to miraculously defeat the Finals team with enough points (like myself of cuz), you're in for a special treat. Seeing that this mongster of a game was developed by the geniuses at Namco, they saw it fit to include 2 secret teams consisting of iconic Namco mascots of the 80s and 90s. Cast includes Pac-Man, Mappy, Dig-Dug, Heihachi, Klonoa, the GunBullet guy and a few others. Depending on which side of the pitch you took at the beginning, either the 80s or 90s Namco All-Stars will challenge you. Now if you thought the Finals was hard, your balls would hit the floor after a round with the All-Stars. Those fucking bastards run faster than you WITH the ball, have the magical ability to push-and-run with the ball, tackle you immediately if you ever receive the ball, and fucking intercept almost every ball you attempt to pass to your teammates!

"You'd swear those bastards are cheating through their asses!!"

Finally as a rare special, here's proof that we can be cheating rodents as well and kick the shit out of Pac-Man's yellow round ass. Naturally, yours truly and his gang of no-gooders have beaten those bastards time and time again each time we insert our tokens. Damn we rule!!

"We choose the team; Beat the shit out of Pac-Man; Once again top ranked!"

So pick your broken ass off the floor and run down to your nearest WORLD KICKS carrying arcade and drop your life savings trying to beat the game. Steal your mom's jewellery if you must but make sure you expose yourself to the frickin' best soccer arcade game ever created. Now, if only Namco would port the game over to the PS2 and release some sort of kickpad peripheral for us loyal followers to beat Pac-Man's round yellow ass at home..

Back to Feature Lists